Sex after Death
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact:
" Marion ... Marion "
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"
"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"
"Nope...I'm a rabbit in Arizona
For all of you who are feeling a little older and missing those great old tunes, there is good news. Some of your old favorites have re-released their great hits with new lyrics to accommodate their aging audience. Some examples:
Herman's Hermits--"Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"
The Rolling Stones--"You Can't Always Pee When You Want"
Paul Simon--"Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"
Carly Simon--"You're So Varicose Vein"
The Bee Gees--"How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?"
Roberta Flack--"The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
Johnny Nash--"I Can't See Clearly Now"
The Temptations--"Papa's Got a Kidney Stone"
Nancy Sinatra--"These Boots Give Me Arthritis"
Leo Sayer--"You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
Commodores--"Once! , Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"
Procol Harem--"A Whiter Shade of Hair"
The Beatles--"I Get By with a Little Help From Depends"
Credence Clearwater Revival--"Bad Prune a-Rising"
Marvin Gaye--"I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"
The Who--"Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"
The Texas Midget
A midget in Texas went to the doctor because his testicles ached almost all the time. The doctor told him to stand on the examining table and drop his pants.
The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough-the usual method to check for a hernia. "Aha!" mumbled the doc and putting his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors.
Snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side, then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.
The doctor then told the midget to get dressed and see if his testicles still ached. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.
The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it... What did you do?"
The Doctor replied, " I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."
The Talking Dog
This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, 'cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says "Ten dollars."
The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him for $10?"
The owner replies, "He's such a liar."
Southern Professional Engineering Exam
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.
2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A.66 Ford Fairlane: B. 69 Chevrolet Chevelle: C.64 Pontiac GTO
3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?
4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tallboys will it take to cut the trees?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a Field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?
7. A man owns a house south of Beckley and 3.7 acres of land in a
hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of
the children place a mobile home on the man's land?
8. A 2-ton coal truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a
steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the
average traffic loading of secondary roads, what are the chances that it
will strike a vehicle that has a muffler?
9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The Mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?
10. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country western singer?
Porn Shop Joke
This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and asks if he can handle it. The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees.
A few minutes later a white woman walks in and asks, "How much for the white dildo?" He answers, "$35." She: "How much for the black one?" He: "$35 for the black one, they are the same price." She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes.
A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?" He: "$35." She: "How much for the white one?" He: "$35 for the white one also, they are the same price." She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..." She pays him, and off she goes.
About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?" He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black." She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?" He: "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $150." She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before...." She pays him, and off she goes.
Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?" The salesman responded, "I think I did pretty good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $150!"
Three Texans go down to Mexico one night, get arrested, and wake up in Jail only to find out that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what he did the night before.
The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I am from the Baylor school of divinity and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure God must not want this guy to die and they let him go.
The second one is strapped in and gives his last words, "I am from the University of Texas School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch! and again nothing happens. They figure that the Law is on this guy's side, so they let him go too.
The last one is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm a Texas Aggie electrical engineer, and I'll tell you right now you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't connect them two wires."
WHAT'S YOUR SOUTHERN SIGN?
The University of Mississippi's "Dept. of Southern Studies" has announced the results of a ten year inquiry into the relationship of birthdays to personality traits.
OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20) Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.
CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19) Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A Chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.
BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - March 20) You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.
MOON PIE (March 21 - April 20) You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.
POSSUM (April 21 - May 21) When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work, and you may find your problems actually running you over.
CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21) Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, and the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.
COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23) Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.
CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23) Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one's whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You Catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.
GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23) Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese, gravy, bacon, butter, or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.
BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23) You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best, your friends and loved ones, may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.
BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22) Always invite a Butter Bean to a party because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life, and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.
ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21) You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms, and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another somewhat kinky mating possibilit
Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and says his wife's been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones. "Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks.
"Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?"
The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine."
"Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?"
"Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability.
This means you will have to feed her." Mr. Jones begins to sob.
"And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia." Mr.Jones begins to wail and cry loudly. "Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day."
Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails. The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting regularly."
Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.
Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder, "Hey, I'm just fucking with you, she's dead."
A RESTROOM CONVERSATION
Leaving Tallahassee, I decide to stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I go into the restroom. The first stall is taken, so I go into the second stall. I had just sat down when I hear a voice from the other stall......... "Hi there, how is it going?"
Okay, I am not the type to strike up conversations with strangers in restrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to say, so finally I say: "Not bad............"
Then the voice says: "So, what are you doing?"
I am starting to find this a bit weird, but I say: "Well, I'm going back to Dothan.........."
Then I hear the person, all flustered, say: "Look, I'll call you back. Every time I ask you a question, this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me!"
A Smart Little Boy
Old man sitting on his front porch in Louisiana watching the sunrise sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.
He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
The boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire."
The old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"
The boy says, "Catch some chickens."
The old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise, he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
At the same time the next morning, the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.
The old man yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
The boy yells back, "Roll of duck tape."
The old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"
The boy says back, "Catch me some ducks."
The old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night, around sunset, the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement, he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
At the same time the next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
The old man says, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
The boy says, "It's a pussy willow."
The old man says, "Hold on, I'll get my hat."
Some Pun For You
1. Bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backwards poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count hat
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen! In France would result in Linoleum
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
24. Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
25. Those! Who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
When you've nothing else to think about...PONDERABLES
How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It.
How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It
How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path.
How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall? Dam!
What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroids
What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick.
What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese.
What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quattro Sinko.
What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk.
What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire? Frostbite.
What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck.
What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef.
Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him.
Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog.
What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka.
What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover? The Location of The Dirt Bag.
What's The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And A bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
How Are A Texas Tornado And A Tennessee Divorce The Same? Either way, somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
Musical Terms Commonly Misunderstood by Country-Western Musicians, With Their Translated "Country" Definitions:
Diminished Fifth: An empty bottle of Jack Daniels
Perfect Fifth: A full bottle of Jack Daniels
Relative Major: An uncle in the Marine Corps
Relative Minor:A girlfriend
Big Band: When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players
Pianissimo:"Refill this beer bottle"
Repeat: What you do until they just expel you
Treble: Women ain't nothin' but
Bass: The things you run around in softball
Portamento: A foreign country you've always wanted to see
Conductor: The man who punches your ticket to Birmingham
Arpeggio:"Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?"
Tempo: Good choice for a used car
A 440: The highway that runs around Nashville
Transpositions: Men who wear dresses
Cut Time: Parole
Order of Sharps: What a wimp gets at the bar
Passing Tone: Frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues
Middle C: The only fruit drink you can afford when food stamps are low
Perfect Pitch: The smooth coating on a freshly paved road
Tuba: A compound word: "Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!"
Cadenza: That ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes
Whole NoteL: What's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year
Clef: What you try never to fall off of
Bass Clef: Where you wind up if you do fall off
Altos: Not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes," or "Dori-toes"
Minor Third: Your approximate grade at the completion of formal schooling
Melodic Minor: Loretta Lynn's singing dad
12-Tone Scale: The thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer truck with
Quarter Tone: What most standard pickups can haul
Sonata: What you get from a bad cold or hay fever
Clarinet: Name used on your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo
Trill: What's usually found on Blueberry Hill
A Trailer Park Valentine:
(or a redneck valentine, courtesy of Netlaughter.com):
Collards is green
my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flappin' in the breeze
Softer than Blue's
without all them fleas.
You move like the bass
which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
but I luv you anyway.
Yo're as satisfyin' as okry
jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as snuff
right out of the can.
You have some of yore teeth
for which I am proud.
I hold my head high
when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions,
when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven,
and awed by yore charms.
Still them fellers at work,
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape
yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles
and fix what you can.
Yo're as cute as a Mississippi junebug
You ain't mean like those far ants
I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life
more than a fresh load of dirt.
When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete,
ain't nothin' I lack.
Yore complexion is perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin',
despite all the years,
yore age, it keeps hidin'.
Me "n" you's like a moon pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate
for Valentine's Day,
they git it at Wal-Mart,
it's romantic that way.
Some men git roses
on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger,
"That's impressive", I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
they explain, all suave and couth.
But for this man, honey,
these won't do.
Cause yo're too special,
you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift,
without taste or odor,
more useful than diamonds,
it's a new trollin' motor!
Happy Valentine's Day, ya'll!
A Modern Day Prayer
Which Art in Neiman's
Hallowed be thy shoes
Thy Prada come
Thy shopping done
As it is in Paris
Give us this day, our Visa Gold
And forgive us our balance
As we forgive those who charge us interest
Lead us not into Penney's
And deliver us from Sears
For thine is the Chanel, the Gaultier and the Versace
For Dolce and Gabbana
The Washington Post published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were some of the winning entries:
Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Carcinoma (n.), a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.
Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nighte.
Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
Bustard (n.), a very rude Metro bus driver.
Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
Semantics (n.), pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before vespers.
Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
Marionettes (n.), residents of Washington DC who have been jerked around by the mayor.
Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
Frisbatarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history and logic.
"What's logic?" asked Bubba.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-eater?"
"I sure do," answered Bubba.
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good," Bubba responded in awe.
The professor continued: "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."
Impressed, Bubba shouted, "AMAZIN'!!!!!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"Betty Mae! This is incredible!" Bubba is obviously catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard of. I can't wait to take this here logic class."
Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter is still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin?" Cooter asks.
"Math, history and logic," replies Bubba.
"What in tarnation is logic?"
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?"
"You're a queer, ain't ya?"
You Might Be A Redneck If...
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.
3. Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
4. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
5. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
6. You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
7. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
8. Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
9. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
10. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
11. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
12. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
13. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
14. Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.
15. You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
16. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
17. You've bathed with flea and tick soap.
18. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
19. Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
20. You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.
21. You took a fishing pole to Sea World.
22. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
23. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
24. You have a rag for a gas cap.
25. Your father executes the "Pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
26. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
27. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
28. You can spit without opening your mouth.
29. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
30. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
31. You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.
32. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
33. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
34. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
35. You thought the Unabomber was a wrestler.
36. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
37. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
38. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.
39. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement.
40. You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
41. You've asked the preacher "How's it hangin'?"
42. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
43. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
44. Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.
A Lonely Man and His Pet
A pretty lonely guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he decided on a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for its house.
He took the centipede home, found a good location for the box home, and then decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?"
But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a
few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's Place and have a drink with me"
A little voice came out of the box:
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes!!"
A sheriff walks into a saloon, and shouts for everyone's attention.
"Has anyone seen Brown paper Jake?", he asks.
"What's he look like?", asks one shoddy looking cowboy.
"Well", replies the Sheriff. "He wears a brown paper hat, a brownpaper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket."
"So what's he wanted for?", asks the same cowboy.
"Rustlin'...", replies the Sheriff.
Not PC - Hillbilly Divorce
A hillbilly walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for divorce.
Attorney: "May I help you?"
Hillbilly: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces".
Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?"
Hillbilly: "Yea, I got about a hundred acres."
Attorney: "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
Hillbilly: "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
Attorney: "I mean, do you have a grudge?"
Hillbilly: "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."
Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
Hillbilly: "Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays."
Attorney: "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
Hillbilly: "No sir, we both get up about 4:30 in the morning."
Attorney: "Well, is she a nagger or anything?
Hillbilly: "No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger. That's why I want this dayvorce."
If you bought $1000 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.
If you bought $1000 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, and traded in the cans for the nickel deposit, you would have $79.
My advice to you is to start drinking heavily.
The Top 14 Chapters in "NASCAR for Dummies"
14. Chapter 1: How to Read
13. Chapter 6: Dress for Success: Tube Tops and Skynyrd Tour Shirts
12. Chapter 4: Advanced Technical Terms -- "Yeeeehaww!", "Whoooodoggie!" and "Golldurn!"
11. Chapter 12: Why Drunk Chicks Flash the Drivers, and How to Nail Them
10. Chapter 17: "I Watch It for the Allegorical Portrayal of Post-Modern Tropism" and Other Things to Tell Fancy-Pants Urbanites
9. Chapter 5: Saying "Dick Trickle" Without Snickering
8. Appendix A: 20 Quick Prayers for Those Upside-Down Moments
7. Chapter 2: The Finer Points of Hating Jeff Gordon
6. Chapter 13: Where to Find Them Little Fake "Calvin" Kids Peeing On Stuff
5. Chapter 8: I Tell You Whut!
4. Chapter 9: Going the Distance: Peeing Into an Empty Big Gulp Cup at 200+ mph
3. Chapter 15: Spit or Swallow? Learning to Chew Tobacco Through Sexual Metaphors
2. Chapter 3: Hey, Isn't Dale a Girl's Name? and the Number 1 Chapter in "NASCAR for Dummies"...
1. Chapter 7: The Mullet: The Haircut of the Gods is a Practical AND Fashionable Hairstyle for the Discerning Automotive Enthusiast
The Top 12 Shark Attack Prevention Strategies
12. Using a felt marker, write "Best Before July 2001" on your thigh.
11. Wear a really skimpy Speedo -- no one wants to see that, not even a shark.
10. Be sensitive to the shark's needs. Sometimes, like you and me, they just need to be held.
9. Your startlingly realistic impression of an injured seal? Leave it in the car, dude.
8. Always go into the water with the kid who pulls off his scabs.
7. Wait at least thirty minutes to go swimming after eating a bucket of chum.
6. Only swim on days Miss Cleo says it's safe.
5. Don't let your children into the water until the sharks have filled themselves up on the neighbor's kids first.
4. Always swim with a slower, juicier buddy.
3. When swimming, always bring along a bottle of Zima. Just like humans, sharks hate Zima.
2. Avoid heavy use of "Zesty Cajun Flavor" sun block.
and the Number 1 Shark Attack Prevention Strategy...
1. Cover yourself with pictures of Anne Heche, because not even a shark would go near that crazy-ass chick.
An Arkansas woman is in the welfare office filling out forms. The welfare officer asks her how many children she has?
"And their names?"
"Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, and Leroy."
"All named Leroy? Why would you name them all Leroy?"
"That way, when I wants them all to come in from the yard, I just yells 'LEROY!', and when I wants them all to come to dinner, I just yells 'LEROY!'"
"What if you just want a particular one of them to do something?"
"Then I calls him by his last name."
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "If I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to come and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Since the brunette only has $1 left, she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'COMFORTABLE.'"
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'COMFORTABLE'?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde, "She'll read it very slow."
Mahatma Gandhi, as you may know, walked barefoot most of the time. This produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. And with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..... what?
"A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis."
An attractive young woman had finished taking golf lessons from the Club Pro. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. The pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse.
Her Golf Pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back so early? What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee," was her reply.
"Where?" he asked.
"Between the first and second hole."
He nodded knowingly and said: "Then your stance is too wide"
The Fatal Arrangement:
Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife (with himself as the beneficiary), and arranging to have her killed.
A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect on his policy. All he could offer at this time was a single dollar bill. Artie rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Safeway grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.
And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:
"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT SAFEWAY"
Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.
The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."
"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" asked Mr. Smith.
"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."
It was visitors day at the lunatic asylum. All the inmates were standing in the courtyard and singing "Ave Maria." And singing it beautifully. Oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil.
A visitor listened in wonderment to the performance and approached the choir. "I am a retired choir director," he said. "This is one of the best choirs I have ever heard."
"Yes, I'm very proud of them," the conductor said.
"You should take them on tour," said the visitor, "what's their name?"
"Surely that's obvious," replied the conductor. "They are the Moron Tapanapple Choir."
The Louisiana State Police received reports of illegal cock fights being held in the area around Lafayette, and duly dispatched the infamous Detective Desormeaux to investigate. Desormeaux reported to his sergeant the next morning.
"Dey is tree main groups in dis cock fightin," Desormeaux began.
"Good work Desormeaux! Who are they?" the sergeant asked.
Desormeaux replied confidently, "De Aggies, de Cajuns, and de Mafia."
Puzzled, the sergeant asked, "How did you find that out in one night?"
"Well," said Desormeaux, "I went down and done seed dat cock fight, I knowed de Aggies was involved whan a duck was entered in de fight."
The sergeant nodded. "Ok, I'll buy that, but what about the others?"
Desormeaux intoned knowingly, "Well, I knowed de Cajuns was involved wen sumbody bet on de duck."
"Ah," sighed the sergeant. "And how did you deduce that the mafia was involved?"
"De duck won."
The Reluctant Samaritan
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger standing in a pouring down rain is asking for a push.
"Not a chance" says the husband. "It's three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was it?" asks his wife.
"Just a drunken stranger asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I didn't - it's three in the morning and raining like hell out!"
"Well you've got a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on our trip and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him."
The man does as he is told. He gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark.
"Hello! Are you still there?"
Yes," comes the answer.
"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," the drunk replies.
A Tongue Twister
If a bra is an upper topper titty flopper stopper, and a jock strap is a lower decker pecker checker, and a roll of toilet tissue is a super duper doody pooper scooper,
What do you call a Japanese drummer boy whose father has diarrhea? A slap happy Jappy with a crap happy pappy.
A little old oriental couple walked slowly into McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what The admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"
The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the other patrons could not help but stare, "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his French fries one young man stood and came over to the old couples' table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady: "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"
A University of Alabama football player was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where does you go to school?"
The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question. "Yale," she replied.
The UA student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DOES YOU GO
A man gets to his plane seat and is surprised to find a parrot strapped into the seat next to him.
Once in the air, the stewardess comes around and the man asks her for a coffee, whereupon the parrot squawks, "Bring me a whiskey, bitch."
The stewardess, somewhat flustered, brings a whiskey to the parrot, but forgets the coffee. When the man points this out to her, the parrot immediately drains its glass and yells, "Get me another whiskey, bitch."
Quite upset, the stewardess, shaking, returns shortly with a whiskey for the parrot, but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee, bitch, now go and get it!"
In a couple of seconds, two burly stewards grab both him and the parrot, take them to the emergency exit and throw them out.
As they're falling, the parrot turns to the man and says, "You know, for someone who can't fly, you sure are a mouthy bastard!"
Taoism: Shit happens
Confucianism: Confucius says "Shit happens."
Buddhism: Shit happening is an illusion.
Islam: Shit happening is the will of Allah.
Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.
Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?
Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Christian Science: If shit happens, pray and it will go away.
Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else.
Atheism: Shit happens for no reason.
Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.
Hare Krishna: Shit happens, shit happens, shit happens...
Stoicism: Shit happens. I can take it.
Johovah's Witnesses: Let us in and we'll tell you why shit happens.
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit and see what happens.
A strikingly handsome young man walked into the office of a Hollywood agent with his resume and portfolio in hand. The agent reviewed the young man's slim resume and small portfolio with the care that was deserving of this fine young specimen.
"You have the very obvious good looks and excellent demeanor of an actor. Tell me, have you had any roles that I might be aware of."
"Other than the requisite high school and college plays, no sir," said the handsome young man.
"I dare say I know the reason why, with a name like yours," said the agent.
"Your name. Penis Van Lesbian. That's not a name that will go far in Hollywood. I'd love to represent you, but you'll have to change your name."
"Sir," the handsome young man protested. "The Van Lesbian name was my father's, my grandfather's and his father's name. We have carried this name for generations and I will not change it for Hollywood or any other reason."
"If you won't change your name, I cannot represent you young man. "Then I bid you farewell-my name will not change." With that, Penis Van Lesbian left the agents office never to return.
Five Years Later...
The Hollywood agent returned to his office after lunch with some producers and shuffled through his mail. Mostly junk mail, trade journals and the like. There was one letter. He opened the envelope and removed the letter. As he unfolded the fine linen paper, a check dropped from the folds and onto his desk. He looked at the check. It was for $50,000! He read the letter:
Several years ago, I entered your office determined to become an actor. You refused to represent me unless I changed my name. I objected, saying the Penis Van Lesbian name had been carried for generations and left your office. However, upon leaving, I chanced to reconsider my hastiness and after considerable reflection, I decided to heed your advise and endeavored to change my name.
Now I am a famous actor with many roles and known to millions worldwide. Having achieved this fame and fortune, it is often that I think back to my meeting with you and your insistence that I change my name. I owe you a debt of gratitude, so please accept this check with my humble thanks, for it was your idea which has brought me to such wealth and fame.
Very Sincerely Yours,
Dick Van Dyke
by David Burge, the IowaHawk, the long-time humor columnist for Conservative News Service.
Naked in repose
Silvery silhouette girls
Adorn my mudflaps
A painful sadness
Can't fit big screen TV through
Double-wide's front door
Hey, maybe I can get on
MOTHER AND CHILD
Crusted in boogers,
Stained with Kool-Aid, baby has face
Only Mama loves
Distant siren screams
Dumb-ass Verne's been playing with
A NEW MOON
Flashlights pierce darkness
No nightcrawlers to be found
Guess we'll gig some frogs
Joyous, playful, bright
Trailer park girl rolls in puddle
Of old motor oil
Carl's ex-wife Tammy files for
Damn, in that tube-top
You make me almost forget
That you are my cousin
I curse the rainbow
Emblazoned upon his hood
Gall dern Jeff Gordon
Tonight we hunger
Grandma sent grocery money
To Robert Tilton
Set the VCR
Dukes of Hazzard Marathon
At 9 O'Clock
In WalMart toy aisle
Wailing boy wants wrestling doll
Mama whups his ass
White noise, buzzing static
Call Earl; satellite dish
needs new descrambler
And cyclone fence keeps me from
My El Camino
In early morning mist
Mama searches Circle K for
Moon Pies and Red Man
Grinning, he displays
The nine hundred beer cans
Filling pickup bed
A well-dressed elderly gentleman boarded the subway, moved to the back of the car,
and sat reading his Wall Street Journal.
At the next stop, a young man clad entirely in black leather boarded the train. His hair was a
bright yellow mohawk with a three-foot long ponytail dyed bright blue. Through his nose was a
bone, and a large feather earring dangled from his left ear.
The older man looked over his paper and surveyed the younger man from head to toe with a
quizzical look on his face.
"What's the matter, old man, didn't you ever do anything wild in your younger days?", the
young man asked.
"Actually," the older man replied, "when I was about your age, I had sex with a parrot, and I was
thinking you might be my son."
Time Magazine Cover for November 27, 2000
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
This cowpoke is ridin' across the prairie in the 1860's, it's hot and he's dozin' in the saddle, lulled into sleep by the gentle rocking as his horse walks slowly along. He wakes and finds the horse standing still, cropping grass. The cowpoke rubs sleep from his eyes and looks around. He's wandered smack into the middle of a burned out wagon train! Bodies of people and horses are layin' everywhere with arrows stickin' up out of 'em like grisly pincushions. He pulls his Colt and nudges his horse forward, takin' in the carnage. Nearly to the end of the line of burned-out wagons, he notices a nude form on the ground off to his left, bone white and shining against the yellow of the sunscorched prairie. He rides slowly over and discovers it's a lovely young woman lying spreadeagled, staked out on the ground. He sits and gazes down at her, sadness swelling in his heart at the loss of life and at her incredible beauty. Then a miracle! Her eyes flutter and open and she squints up at him and starts in disbelief. "Oh sir! Thank God you've come! My husband and everyone on the wagon train were murdered by Indians before my eyes. Then they staked me out and ten braves had their way with me! Oh please untie me and take me with you!"
The cowpoke eases out of the saddle, slips his gun back into the holster, drops his gunbelt to the ground beside him and begins unbuttoning his trousers. "Lady, this just ain't your day!"
The Learning Curve
A businessman flies into town for a meeting and checks into his hotel. Later, bored, he wanders down the street to a little pub and enters. It's a nice place, reminds his of the bar in 'Cheers' so he grabs a stool at the bar, orders a martini and checks the place out. He's startled to see a monkey dressed in Organ Grinder garb sitting on a little stool at the far end of the bar. The bartender delivers the martini. But before he can take a sip, the monkey hops off the stool, scampers down the bar, plucks the olive out of the martini and swallows it whole. "Whoa, wait a minute!" the businessman cries, "What the hell is THAT all about!"
"Well," the bartender says, "you must be new here. That's his thing. He likes olives and onions out of the martinis and the customers put up with it 'cause by the end of the night he's drunk as a skunk and funnier'n' hell to watch." So the businessman drinks his martini, orders another and sure enough, the monkey does his thing. Four martinis later the businessman's feeling no pain and calls it a night. As he's reeling to the door, a guy shooting pool on a nearby table shanks a break shot and the cue ball hops off the table, hits the concrete floor and bounces high into the air. The monkey sees it coming, grabs it and swallows it whole. The businessman shakes his head, mutters to himself and makes his way back to the hotel. The next day after his meeting he flies home.
Couple weeks later he's back in town for a follow-up meeting. Sure enough, he returns to the pub, if for no other reason than to see that monkey. The monkey's on his stool as the businessman takes a seat at the bar and orders a martini. Sure enough, the martini's no sooner in front of him than the monkey scampers down the bar and snatches the olive. But this time, instead of swallowing it right off, he shoves it up his ass, pushes it back out and then swallows it. "Whoa! Hold on. What was THAT all about?"
"Well," the bartender says with a chuckle, "you see, f'the last couple weeks he's been checkin' things for fit before he swallows 'em!"
Single or Married?
A woman is shopping in the local supermarket. She selects some & milk, some eggs, a carton of juice, and a package of bacon. As she unloads her items at the cash register to pay, a drunk standing behind her in line watches her place the four items on the belt and states with assurance, "You must be single."
The woman looks at the four items on the belt, and seeing nothing unusual about her selection says, "That's right. How on earth did you know?"
He replies, "Because you're ugly."
The dilapidated boat
Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.
When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too.
Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."
"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle."
The old woman fainted.
There are three truths in life:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3. Two Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.
Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology".
The town's fathers were not too happy with that sign, so they
changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors".
This was not acceptable either, so they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids".
So they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics".
Thumbs down again.
So they tried "Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives."
Still not good.
So they tried "Minds and Behinds".
So they tried "Lost Souls and Ass-holes".
Still no go.
Nor did "Analysis and Anal Cysts," "Queers and Rears," "Nuts and Butts," "Freaks and Cheeks," or "Loons and Moons" work either. So they finally settled on "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends"
There was a redneck whose penis turned orange. So off he goes to the doctor. The doctor runs a whole series of tests and can't find a thing wrong. He asks the redneck, "Are you exposed to any unusual chemicals at home?"
The redneck replies "Nah, Doc."
"Well what about at work?", the doctor asks.
"Heck Doc, you helped me get on disability", replies the redneck.
"What in the world do you do all day," asks the doctor.
"Oh, I just sit around the house eating Cheetos and watching porno flicks."
Funeral Home Joke
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Bernie Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Bernie Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.
"Oh my god!" she screamed, "Bernie Schwartz is dead!"
NTSB Releases Findings
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 47 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"
Only the states of South Carolina, West Virginia and Arkansas were different, where over 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!"
Some Pithy Musings
They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
The Dark Ages was caused by the Y1K problem.
A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.
I don't have a license to kill but I do have a learners permit.
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
Time is fun when you're having flies... Kermit
Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
Toilet stolen from police station. Cops have nothing to go on.
If you think there is good in everybody then you obviously haven't met everybody.
All power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda neat though.
If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.
Here I am!!! What are your other two wishes?
Taxation WITH representation ain't much fun either.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career.
Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.
Gun Control: Use both hands.
Remember: First you pillage then you burn.
To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to market reproductive organs.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake.
Half the people in the world are below average.
Failure is not an option. It's bundled with your software.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Strip mining prevents forest fires.
I'm pretty sure that sex is better than logic but I can't prove it.
Arkansas State Motto: Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Laugh
A picture may be worth a thousand words but it uses up a thousand times more memory!
If a thing is worth doing wouldn't it have been done already?
If we weren't meant to eat animals why are they made of meat?
Ham and Eggs. Just a day's work for a chicken but a lifetime commitment for a pig.
Ethnics at St. Peter's Gate
Three couples, one Irish, one Jewish, and one Greek die and appear before the gates of heaven, St. Peter meets them and reviews first the Irish couple's application. He says, "you both have been nothing but drunks all of your lives", and to the wife he says "and your name is Sherry, an alcoholic drink. Go to hell!" He then reviews the Jew's application and says, "you both been unethical in business, and the wife's name is Penny. Both of you go straight to hell"! The Greek husband whispers to his wife "this doesn't look good for us, Fannie."
Hillbilly Comes to Town
A Hillbilly went to a bar. He took a seat next to a gorgeous woman. Looking at her closer, he decided he'd like to get to know her, so he moved his barstool closer. She looked at him, and said "You're wasting your time. I'm a Lesbian." The Hillbilly asked "What's a Lesbian?" The Lesbian said "You see that bargirl over there? If I had her at my place, I'd remove all her clothes." The Lesbian proceeded to tell the Hillbilly exactly what she'd do, with what part of her body, for how long, to the bargirl. The Hillbilly sat stunned for a minute, and moved his stool back where it was. In a minute, the Lesbian looked at him. He had big Crocodile tears flowing down his cheeks. She said "What's the matter with you?" He said "I think I'm a Lesbian too!"
A young hillbilly and his new bride wanted desperately to start a family, but they didn't know that they had to do to have children. So they decided to visit a doctor. With a great deal of embarrassment, the young man explained their situation. The doctor took out his charts and books for adolescents and carefully explained the birds and the bees. The two looked bewilderedly at each other, then at the doctor. The doctor attempted to explain in various ways and terms the ins and outs of human reproduction. The same result. Finally, exasperated, the doctor laid the bride on the examination table, removed all her clothing, and had intercourse with her. He then turned to the young hillbilly and asked, "Now do you understand?"
"Yes, doctor," the hillbilly responded, "but just one question."
Slapping his forehead in total disbelief, the doctor squawked, "Yes, what is it now?"
"How often do I have to bring her in?"
After hearing that milk baths would make her beautiful, a blonde left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake - she probably meant 1.5 gallons. So he knocked on her door to clarify her note.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you really mean 15 gallons or did you mean 1.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub with milk and take a milk bath."
The milkman asked, "Pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No. Just up to my breasts."
Two cowboys were talking about their favorite sexual positions and one said that his favorite was the rodeo position.
The other one looked at him and said "Rodeo position, I never heard of that one." The first guy said it is the best. First you get your woman to strip naked and then tell to get on all fours. Then get some lotion and start rubbing it all over her body until she is hot. Then mount her from behind and slide your right hand underneather her right arm and grab her right breast and then do the same with the left breast. Then bend down and whisper in her ear and tell her that her breast feel just like her sisters, and try holding on for 8 seconds.
Federal 2000 Census for the South
Last name: ________________
| First name: (Check appropriate box)|
| What does everyone call you?|
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
| Occupation: (Check appropriate box)|
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Dirty Politician
2nd Spouse's Name:______________________
3rd Spouse's Name:______________________
Relationship with spouse: (Check appropriate box)
Number of children living in household: _____
Number of children living in shed: ______
Number that are yours: ______
Mother's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)
Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you (_) own or (_) rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
| Total number of vehicles you own: ___|
Number of vehicles that still crank: ___
Number of vehicles in front yard: ___
Number of vehicles in back yard: ___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks: ___
|Firearms you own and where you keep them:|
Model and year of your pickup: 196_
Do you have a gun rack? (_) Yes (_) No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun
Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____ Number of times abducted:_____
Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:_____
Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:_____
| How often do you bathe:|
(_) Not Applicable
Color of eyes:
| Color of hair:|
|Length of hair:|
(_) short in front, long in back
(_) ain't got none
| Color of teeth:|
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
How far is your home from a paved road?
(_) 1 mile
(_) 2 miles
(_) just a whoop-and-a-holler
(_) What road?
Things to do at Wal-Mart while the spouse is "taking his/her sweet time" shopping.
1. Get the boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples' carts when they are not looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10 minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "I think we have a Code 3 in house wares," and see what happens.
5. Turn all the radios to a polka station, then turn them all off and turn the volumes to 10.
6. Challenge other customers to duel with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Put M&M's on layaway.
8. Move "CAUTION-WET FLOOR" signs to carpet areas.
9. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
10. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask "Why won't you people leave me alone?"
11. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
12. Take up an entire aisle in toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes and X-Men.
13. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
14. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
15. Switch signs on the men's and women's bathrooms.
16. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible".
17. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign out front.
18. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.
19. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say, "PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!!"
20. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream, "NO! NO! It's those voices again."
21. Go to the food court, get a soft drink, tell them you don't get out much and would they put one of those little umbrellas in it.
22. Go into the fitting room and yell real loud ...."Hey we're out of toilet paper in here!"
Good Ole Ed
A small Kentucky Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very "in the mood", and difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part time redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages.
Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?
Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this." The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition. "Well," said Ed, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500."
"The Texas Salesman"
A keen Texas lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. The store was the biggest in the world and sold everything under the sun."Have you ever been a salesman before?" the boss asked during his interview.
"Yes, I was a salesman in Texas," the lad answered.
The boss took an immediate liking to him and told him he could start the next day. "I'll come and see how you made out after we close up," the boss said.
The day was long and hard for the young man, but finally it was 5 o'clock. The boss closed up the store and found the lad sitting, slumped and exhausted, in a chair.
"How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked.
"One," said the lad.
"One?" said the boss, obviously displeased. "Most of the sales people on my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"
"Exactly $101,334.53," said the young man.
"How did you manage that?" asked the boss, flabbergasted.
"Well," said the lad, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and huge one. I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said he was going down the coast. I said he'd probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that fancy 22-foot Chris Craft with twin engines. Then he said his Honda Civic probably wouldn't be able to handle the load, so I took him to the vehicle department and sold him a new GMC 1-ton pickup truck."
"You sold all that to guy who came in for a fish hook?" the boss asked in astonishment.
"He didn't come in to buy a fish hook," the Texas boy explained. "He came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing.' "
3 Old Men
Three old men were sitting around complaining about how much their hands shook.
The first geezer said, "My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I cut my face!"
The second old fogey one-upped him. "My hands shake so bad that when I trimmed my garden yesterday I sliced all my flowers!"
The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times."
An elderly couple was driving cross-country from Florida to attend their granddaughter's wedding. Both were hard of hearing, but she was growing deaf as a post.
They pulled into a service station, and the attendant asked the man if he could help them. The old man replied, "Fill her up!". His wife said, "WHAT'D HE SAY?"
The old man said, "HE WANTED TO KNOW IF HE COULD HELP US. I TOLD HIM TO FILL IT UP!"
"Oooh...", she replied.
When the attendant had filled up the tank, he returned to the driver's side and said, "Will that be
cash or charge?"
The old man passed him his charge card, and the old lady said, "WHAT'D HE SAY?"
The old man replied, "HE WANTED TO KNOW IF IT WAS CASH OR CHARGE, AND I
TOLD HIM TO CHARGE IT!"
"Ohhh..", she said.
The attendant returned with the card, and while the man was signing, he said, "I noticed from your license plates and your charge card that y'all are from Florida. I was in Florida once, and I can tell you that all I can remember about that trip was that I got the worse piece of ass down there that I've ever had."
The old man nodded, and took his card back. The old woman said, "WHAT'D HE SAY?"
The old man said, "SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!"
After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him: "This is all in your mind." and refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits, the shrink confesses: "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor says: "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says: "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '1-2-3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor: "What happens when it's over?"
The witch doctor says: "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!"
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says: "1-2-3" and suddenly he gets an erection.
His wife turns over and says: "What did you say '1-2-3' for?"
A blonde goes into a bar. The bartender asks her what she would like, and she replies, "Bring me a beer."
The bartender then asks, "Anheuser-Busch?" To which she replies, "Fine thanks, and how's your cock?"
Three third graders, a Jewish kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid are on the playground at recess. The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game "Lets see who has the largest penis," he says. "Okay." They all agree. The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Now not to be outdone, the Hillbilly kid whips his out. It is by far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and girth. The Jewish and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. "Wow that thing is huge!" they exclaim. That night, eating dinner at home, the Hillbilly kid's mother asks him what he did at school today.
"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book ... and during recess, my friends and I played 'Let's see who has the largest penis."
"What kind of game is that, honey?" says the mother.
"Well, me, Sidney and Anthony each pulled out our cranks, and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm a Hillbilly. Is that true, Mom?"
The Mom replies: "No, Honey, it's because you're twenty-three"
Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice, don't you think, Tracy"
"Yeah. What's it called Sharon?"
"Viens a moi."
"Viens a moi? What the does that mean?"
At this stage the store clerk offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me.'"
Sharon takes anther sniff and offers her arm to Tracy again saying,
"That doesn't smell like come to me. Does that smell like come to you?"
Red Tape, courtesy of Delbert Contento
A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.
In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.
He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.
The angry lady demanded, "What took you so long?"
The unperturbed doctor replied, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.
Things to do @ Target while the spouse is taking his or her sweet time...
1. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they don't realize it.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor, leading to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.
5. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Put M&M's on layaway.
8. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
9. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Domestics.
10. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
11. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror whileyou pick your nose.
12. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G. I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
13. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
14. While handling guns in the hunting department,suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
15. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restroom.
16. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."
17. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store
18. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
19. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "Pick me! Pick me!!"
20. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
21. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
22. Go into the dressing room and yell real loud..."Hey, we're out of toilet paper in here!"
Bill & Hillary's New Home
On Friday, September 10th, Carroll asked her audience to come up with an official name for the Clinton $1.7 million house in Chappaqua, New York. Carroll's call-in contest required the names to be in relative good taste, original, and should capture the essence of one or both of the Clintons.
The response was overwhelming! Some names nominated for the Clinton's new home included:
But the clear, hands-down winner was: DISGRACELAND!
Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man's man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a lookout spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt." The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and while wearing the bright frock he led his mates into battle and defeated the pirates.
Later on, the lookout spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again howled for his red shirt and once again vanquished the pirates.
That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs and one of the them asked the captain: "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"
The captain replied: "If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood, and thus, you men will continue to resist, unafraid." All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a man's manly man.
As dawn came the next morning, the lookout once again spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual reply. Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his mighty sailing ship and, without fear, turned, and calmly shouted: "Get me my brown pants."
Two good ol' boys are driving across South Texas goin' to pick up a load of cattle. The driver, who's made the run many times before, turns to his passenger, a new swamper on his first run, and says, "Say, Jimbob. You hongry? They's a little greasy spoon up the road about five mile makes jist th' best Jalapeno cheeseburger you ever et."
"Naw, Clem. I'm 'bout burgered out. Whut else they got?"
"Well they got a foot long chilidog that'd water a glass eye, I ain't shittin' ya!" "Oh hell, that'll do fine!" So they pull into the parking lot of the little cafe and go in. At the counter is a wormy little guy, smilin' at 'em. Behind the counter is the little guy's wife, 'bout 375lbs, wearin a strap t-shirt, sans bra and sweatin bullets since the place ain't airconditioned and is hotter'n hell. They take a seat at the counter and the driver says, "Well howdy, Mel! Gimme a Jalapeno burger an' git my partner here one a'them foot longs."
"Check," Mel says. "Got it, Honey?"
"Check," the big ol' gal says. She reaches down into the cooler and comes up with a ball of hamburger meat the size of a softball, slaps it up under her arm and mashes it flat and slaps it down on the grill where it goes to sizzlin'. The swamper sets up and takes notice at that. Then she reaches back into that cooler and comes out with a hot dog about three inches long and three inches around and the swamper gives a jump and says, "Whoa there! I think I'll have a burger!"
Children's Books That Didn't Make It...
1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun Four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly.
12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
Is that Jesus down there?
The bartender was washing his glasses, and an elderly Irishman came in and with great difficulty, hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded and the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey also.
The next patron was an ailing Italian with a hunched back and slowness of movement. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting down there. The bartender nodded and the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, also.
The third patron, a redneck, swaggered in dragging his knuckles on the floor and hollered. "Barkeep, set me up a cold one. Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, and the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, and he got up and danced a jig to the door.
Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten and he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.
Jesus walked toward the redneck, and the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me, I'm drawin' disability!"
Divorce, courtesy of Boner Daily
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
The attorney asked "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yeah, I want to get one of them day-vorce's."
The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said "Yeah, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yeah, I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No Sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes, Sir, I got a suit, I wear it to Church on Sundays."
The attorney said, "Well Sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No Sir, we both get up about 4:30."
The attorney then said, "Well is she a nagger or anything?"
The farmer said, "no , she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger, and that's why I want this Dayvorce!"
Pope Joke, courtesy of Ophelia Bawls
A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person." Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. This is fantastic, thought the gentleman I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance.
Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'u-n-t'?"
Only one word leapt to mind...my goodness, thought the gentleman, I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another. The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'."
"Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"
Hillbillies, courtesy of Nasty Herbie
There were some backwoods ignorant hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence.
This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river.
John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and "whip Clarence's butt." He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, "didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence's butt?"
He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign:
"CLARENCE 8 FT 3 IN"
A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word.
She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then,let it read, 'Billy Bob died'."
Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries".
Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds = says, "In that case, let it read, 'Billy Bob died - 1983 Pick-up for sale'.
Trees, courtesy of M.C. Jamma
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them. One tree says to the other: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The other says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling. The tall tree says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
The Pirate's Perils, courtesy of Oxford Don
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg leg?"
The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit me leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?
"Well,", replied the pirate, "we were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut me hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye-patch"?
"A seagull shit in me eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well,", said the pirate, "it was me first day with the hook."
The Novice Hooker, courtesy of Kathy Brown
The new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street , the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details. She said "well , he was a big muscular and handsome sailor".
"Well , what did he want to do?" They all asked.
She said " I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn't have that much". So I told him that oral sex would be $75, but he didn't have that much either. Finally I said, "well how much do you have"?
The sailor said that he only had $25. The new hooker said "well, for $25 all I can do is service you by hand". He agreed and after getting the finances straight, she said "he pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then a second hand above the first and then the first hand above the second hand"
"Oh my god" they all exclaimed, it must have been huge, then what did you do?" "I loaned him $75!"she exclaimed.
Here is a list of summer camps that you may NOT want to send your kids to....
Tommy Lee's Camp Kickachick
Monica Lewinsky's Camp Suckaweewee
President Clinton's Camp Getahoochie
Ellen DeGeneres's Camp Lickahoochie
Kenneth Star's Camp Catchacrook
O.J. Simpson's Camp Killachick
Lorena Bobbit's Camp Cutaweewee
Tonya Harding's Camp Clubaknee
Susan Smith's Camp Blameabrotha
Pamela Lee's Camp Lottatatas
Michael Jackson's Camp Wannabewhitey
Louis Farakahn's Camp Killawhitey
A door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door,and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps dog poop all over the carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning up that dog poop, I'll eat every bit of it.".
She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?".
The salesman says, "Why do you ask?".
She says "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet.".
For all you Clinton apologists courtesy of Velveeta Bedbug
Little Old Lady courtesy of Boner Daley
A little old lady with blue hair entered the lingerie shop and asked in a quavering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-l s-s-sexual aids h-here?"
The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered, "Uh, yes ma'am. We do."
The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart
asked, "D-do y-you ha-ave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this l-l-ong?"
"Well, yes ma'am, we do. We have several that size."
Forming a circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny of t-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?"
"Well.... yes ma'am, a few of them are about that big."
"D-do aa-ny of t-them ha-ave a v-v-vibra-a-ator?"
"Yes ma'am, one of them does."
"W-w-ell, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?
Doctor Visit courtesy of Buford Hardrock Bukk
"Mr. Rossmoore, I'm afraid I have bad news," the doctor told the anxious patient. "You only have six months to live."
Mr. Rossmoore sat in stunned silence for the next several minutes.
Regaining his composure, he apologetically told the physician that he had no medical insurance. "I can't possibly pay you in that time."
"Okay," the doctor said, "let's make it nine months."
Ebonics Translation Contest courtesy of Nasty Herbie
This paper was turned in by an Oakland High school student who received the highest honors at the school district's ebonics translation competition.
Assignment: Please translate the following Rap song lyrics from Ebonics to standard English.
Artist: Notorious B.I.G.
Album: Ready to Die
Song: One more chance (remix)
First things first, I poppa, freaks all the honeys
Dummies - playboy bunnies, those wantin' money
Those the ones I like 'cause they don't get nathan'
But penetration, unless it smells like sanitation
Garbage, I turn like doorknobs
Heart throb, never, black and ugly as ever
However, I stay coochied down to the socks
Rings and watch filled with rocks
As a general rule, I perform deviant sexual acts with women of all kinds, including but not limited to those with limited intellect, nude magazine models, and prostitutes. I particularly enjoy sexual encounters with the latter group as they are generally disappointed in the fact that they only receive penile intercourse and nothing more, unless of course, they douche on a consistent basis. Although I am extremely unattractive, I am able to engage in these types of sexual acts with some regularity. Perhaps my sexuality is somehow related to my fancy and expensive jewelry.
And my jam knock in the Mitsubishi
Girls pee pee when they see me, Nava-hoes creep me in they tee pee
As I lay down laws like I lay carpet
Stop it - if you think your gonna make a profit
I enjoy playing my music loudly on my car stereo. Apparently, women enjoy this also because they become sexually aroused when they see me driving. Oddly enough, when I visit the Native American reservations, some of the more sexually promiscuous Indian women attempt to seduce me in their homes. Their intent is to divest me of my earnings. Such actions are unacceptable.
Don't see my ones, don't see my guns - get it
Now tell ya friends Poppa hit it then split it
In two as I flow with the Junior Mafia
I don't know what the hell's stoppin' ya
I'm clockin' ya - Versace shades watchin' ya
Once ya grin, I'm in game, begin
Understand this fact: you can have neither my money, nor my weapons. I suggest that you inform your peers that we engaged in violent sexual acts. Currently, I am rapping with my associates, the Junior Mafia. I'm having some difficulty understanding why you refuse to approach me. I am attempting to make eye contact with you through my expensive glasses, and as soon as you respond with a smile, I will approach you.
First I talk about how I dress and this
And diamond necklaces - stretch Lexuses
The sex is just immaculate from the back I get
Deeper and deeper - help ya reach the
Climax that your man can't make
Call and tell him you'll be home real late
Let's sing the break
I prefer to open the conversation with light banter about my wardrobe and jewelry, then I like to discuss my collection of expensive cars. This is more than enough to convince you to have sexual intercourse with me. I am able to insert my penis further into you when I enter you from behind. Furthermore, you will be able to reach orgasm. I understand this to be a problem with your current sexual partner. He needn't be concerned about your whereabouts. Please phone him and inform him that you won't be home for a while. By the way, please sing the chorus of the song for me also.
She's sick of that song on how it's so long
Thought he worked his until I handled my biz
There I is - major pain like Damon Wayans
Low down dirty even like his brother Keenan
Schemin' - don't bring your girl 'round me
True player for real, ask Puff Daddy
Your current love interest no longer wishes to hear your fabrications about the length of your member. After I had sexual intercourse with your woman, she became enlightened as to the proper way it is supposed to be performed; violently and immorally. It would be in your best interest to keep your woman away from me as my sexual prowess is very strong. If you are unconvinced, ask Puff Daddy.
You - ringin' bells with bags from Chanel
Baby Benz, traded in your Hyundai Excel
Fully equipped, CD changer with the cell
She beeped me, meet me at twelve
Despite the fact that you attempted to win her at her doorstep with bags full of expensive clothes and a car (the lower end model Mercedes Benz which you financed by signing over your current vehicle) containing an expensive stereo and a cellular phone, your woman has contacted me through my pager indicating that we should rendezvous at midnight.
Where you at? Flippin' jobs, playin' car notes?
While I'm swimmin' in ya women like the breast stroke
Right stroke, left stroke what's the best stroke
Death stroke - tongue all down her throat
Nuthin' left to do but send her home to you
I'm through - can ya sing the song for me, boo?
You, on the other hand, jump from job to job, barely able to maintain payments on the Mercedes Benz you purchased for your woman. Meanwhile, I continue to engage in sexual intercourse and commit lewd osculatory acts with your women. My only remaining option is to request that she leave my home and return to you because I have reached orgasm and no longer have a need for her presence.
So, what's it gonna be? Him or me?
We can cruise the world with pearls
Gator boots for girls
The envy of all women, crushed linen
Cartier wrist-wear with diamonds in 'em
The finest women I love with a passion
Ya man's a wimp, I give that ass a good thrashin'
The ultimate decision rests with you. Whom do you choose as your sexual partner? I can take you on cruises around the world. I will dress you in the finest jewelry and footwear. You will be envied by women worldwide in your fine clothes and jewelry. There is a special place in my heart for beautiful women. I will defeat your man in an altercation because he is effeminate.
High fashion - flyin' into all states.
Sexin' me while your man masturbates.
Isn't this great? Your flight leaves at eight.
Her flight lands at nine, my game just rewinds.
Lyrically I'm supposed to represent.
I'm not only the client, I'm the player president
You will be dressed in finest clothes on the runways of Paris. I will fly you to every state to shop for fine clothes and jewelry. You will enjoy sexual intercourse with me and your man will be forced to pleasure himself through manual stimulation. What a life! I'll return you to LaGuardia in time to catch your 8 o'clock flight. The timing is perfect because I have scheduled a date with a second woman who arrives at the same gate at 9 o'clock. I'll seduce her in the same way that I seduced you. I rap well and I am a positive reflection of my home town. Not only am I a sexually deviant, misogynistic, immoral, wealthy, male prostitute, but I also sit on the board of directors of the organization that governs others of my kind.
Semi-Private Room courtesy of Boner Daley
Did you hear about the two little kids in a hospital who were laying next to each other?
The first kid leans over and asked, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid said," I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid said," You've got nothing to worry about I had that done to me once. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of jello and ice cream. It's a piece of cake!!!"
The second kid then asked, "What are you in here for?"
The first kid responded, "Well, I'm here for a circumsision."
The second kid said, "Whoa!! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!!!"
Fairy Tales courtesy of Freeda Felons
What's the difference between a Northern Fairy Tale and a Southern Fairy Tale?
A norther Fairy Tale begins with "Once upon a time . . ."
A Southern Fairy Tale begins with "Ya'll ain't gonna believe this shit ".
C.W.I. courtesy of Coach Jim Nasium
An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender
finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up
to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more
time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some
fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he
decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at
the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls
through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he
tries one more time to stand up.
This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly
falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head
hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife
standing over him shouting at him.
"So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
Flowers of appreciation, courtesy of Boner Daley
Liz Taylor goes in to see her cosmetic surgeon. "I have met
the man of my dreams, finally, the love of my life !" she
announces to the surgeon "but I need you to help me with a
small problem. This man is only 18 years old, I am truly
head over heels in love with him, and don't want to
disappoint him in any way, so I want you to make my vagina
look like an 18 year olds."
The surgeon tells Liz of the delicate situations involved
with this operation, but does finally agree to performing
the said operation.
"But one thing" Liz says "you have to swear to me that no
one knows about this operation, that no magazines or
tabloids hear about it!"
"I swear, Liz" the surgeon replies.
The big day arrives, Liz goes under the knife, the
operation goes text book perfect and she is moved to a
recovery room. Upon regaining consciousness, Liz's eyes
focus on three huge floral arrangements at the foot of her
As the surgeon enters the room to check on her, Liz breaks
into tears. "How could you do this to me !!! You swore
that not a soul would hear of this operation!!!"
"Now, now Liz, I didn't tell a soul. The first arrangement
is from me. I've been your friend, as much as your surgeon
for the past 10 years, I just wanted to make you feel good.
The second arrangement is from the anesthesiologist, he's
gay, he's one of your biggest fans, and I thought it was
okay, since he's worked side by side with me on your
Liz's eyes gazed over to the third arrangement, pointing
her finger "And who sent those?"
"Oh yeah" the surgeon replied "Those are from a guy in the
burns unit, he wanted to thank you for his new ears".
Doctor, courtesy of M.C. Jamma
Rob had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear that small inner voice trying to reassure him, "Rob. Don't worry about it.
You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality,
"Rob, You're a veterinarian."
Top 50 Oxymorons, courtesy of Buford Hardrock Bukk
An attractive woman from California was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down.
An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.
"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback"
The Top 13 Indications Your Family May be Dysfunctional courtesy of The Top 5 List at www.topfive.com
13. No more sunny breakfast nook, now the kitchen is a methamphetamine lab.
12. Your vacations are planned through AA instead of AAA.
11. Your mother and your pre-teen sister always fighting over the last beer.
10. In the middle of family reunion, FBI cuts power to ranch.
9. Bikers next door always complaining about the noise.
8. Local police save money by making your house a precinct substation.
7. Your new little sister is named after a famous serial killer.
6. Your son informs you he doesn't care to be your cellmate anymore.
5. You have to buy separate Mother's Day cards for each of Mom's personalities.
4. Family discussions usually begin with, "Put the gun down."
3. Instead of saying grace before dinner, father reads a passage from Penthouse Forum.
2. Thanksgiving Dinner consists of Wild Turkey instead of roast turkey.
and the Number 1 Indication Your Family May be Dysfunctional...
1. New bill to ban assault weapons specifically mentions your family.
From an old country song.....
Many, many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy.
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa.
Redneck Love Poem
Susie Lee done fell in love,
She planned to marry Joe,
She was so happy 'bout it all,
She told her Pappy so.
Pappy told her, Susie gal,
You'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo' ma don't know,
But Joe is yo' half brother.
So Susie put aside her Joe,
And planned to marry Will.
But after telling Pappy this,
He said, "There's trouble still".
You can't marry Will, my gal,
And please don't tell yo' mother.
But will and Joe, and several mo'
I know is yo' half brother.
But Mama knew and said, my child,
Just do what makes yo' happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe;
You ain't no kin to Pappy.
A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'
The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'
She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'
Boudreaux and Thibodeaux worked together in a Louisiana factory.....and both were laid off. So.....they went to the Unemployment Office together. Asked his occupation, Boudreaux said, 'Panty stitcher. I sew da elastic onto da ladies cotton panties.' The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave Boudreaux $300 a week in unemployment compensation.
Thibodeaux, when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel fitter.' The clerk looked up diesel fitter...and it was classified as a skilled job. So, the clerk gave Thibodeaux $600 a week in unemployment compensation.
When Boudreaux found this out, he was furious! He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his benefits. The clerk explained, 'Panty stitchers are unskilled labor and diesel fitters are skilled labor...' 'Wut skill?' yelled Boudreaux. 'I sew da elastic on da panties. Thibodeaux puts dem over his head and says, 'Yeah........ DIESEL FITTER.' "
The Legacy We Leave
Dr. Drobkin was a world-famous cardiologist who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan where he quickly rose to the top of his field.
Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference coincidently held in his home town. He walked on stage, placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the lecture room and reverberated it down the hall! He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.
Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Cohen and arrived under cover of darkness.
The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Cohen?"
Dr. Drobkin replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here, received my education here, but then moved away."
"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.
"Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."
The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others.. I bet that's true of your incident too."
Dr. Drobkin replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my embarrassment."
"Was it a long time ago?"
"Yes, many years."
The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Drobkin fart?"
The Queen's Breasts
Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.
The moral of the story............
Pay your bills.
A man notices that his coworker is wearing an earring. This man knows his coworker to be anormally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in 'fashion sense'.So, he says, "I didn't know you were into earrings.''
"Don't make a big deal of it, it's only an earring," the coworker replies peevishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, butthen his curiosity prods him to say, "So,how long have you been wearing one?'
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
I always wondered how this trend got started,and now I know.
MEDICARE COVERAGE IN A NUTSHELL
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
'Mrs. Sanders, please.'
'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well and we are uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'
'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'
'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.
'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'
'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'
'Folks at Medicare recommend you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'
'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.
'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.
'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'
'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'
'Well, 'I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'
The homeless woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'
I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine.'
Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the barkeeper, 'Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please'.
The barkeeper, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. 'Been on holiday yet, lads?'
'Off to England next month,' says John. 'We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?'
'Ah, England !' says the barkeeper. 'Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture...'
'Nah, we don't like that British crap,' says John. ' Hamburgers & Molsons beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude.'
'So why keep going to England ?' asks the barkeeper.
'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. ' What's all the screaming about in there?' he yells. 'You're scaring my customers!'
'I'm just sitting here on the toilet,' slurs the drunk, 'and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts '
The bartender opens the stall door, looks in, and says, 'You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!'
I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever pup had fresh air.She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,'Now you stay. Do you hear me?''Stay! Stay!'
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange look and said,"Why don't you just put it in park?"
Just a Tap on the Shoulder
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab,nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab..... I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.
Fred the Cowboy
A cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The cowboy groaned, but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager."
Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle and in a moment, he returned with the manager. Together, the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly and then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Fred," the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the Ranger.
With terrible pain in his voice and without moving a muscle, Fred replied, "the balcony."
Redneck with Dog
One hot summer day, a redneck came to town with his dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into the bar for a cold one.
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked, "Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?"
The redneck said it was his.
"Your dog seems to be in heat" the officer said.
The redneck replied, "No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree."
The policeman said, "No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred."
"No way," said the redneck. "That dog don't need bread. She ain't hungry
'cause I fed her this mornin'."
The exasperated policeman said, "NO! You don't understand; your dog wants to have sex"!
(You gotta love this)
The redneck looked at the cop and said, "Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog."
Bubba applied for an engineering position in the southern United States.
A Yankee applied for the same job. Both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the manager. Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions.
The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thanks for your interest, but we've decided to give the Yankee the job."
Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being Louisiana and me being a Southern boy, I should get the job!"
The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but, rather, on the one question that you both missed."
Bubba then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
The manager said: "Bubba, it's like this. On question No. 4 the Yankee put down; 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"
Ole 21st Birthday
All of his life Ole had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.
So when Ole's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Ole stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Corky just managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Ole went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked into Ole's eyes and said, "Because, you dumb ass, your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January, you were born in July."
Jose and Carlos are panhandling at the freeway offramp.
Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to
spend. Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.
Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day. Jose says, "Look at your sign." It reads: "I have no work, a wife & 6 kids to support"
Carlos looks at Jose's sign. It reads: "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico
The Church Organist
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a crystal bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist."Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."
Morning Fender Bender
This morning, I rear-ended a car at a stop light.
The driver was a dwarf. He said, "I am not happy"...
To which I replied, "Okay, then which one are you?"
Almost Caught in the Act
Two ladies talking in heaven:
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I Froze to Death.
2nd woman: How Horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked
everywhere,and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
Caught in the Act
She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. The wife was VERY upset!
"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!"
And he replied: "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened"
"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed," but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
And he began: "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and quite dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three whole days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair just like them.."
He took a quick breath and continued: "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said '"Please........do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
One morning, three Southerners and three Yankees were in a ticket counter line at a train station. The three Northerners each bought a ticket, and watched as the three Southerners bought just one ticket.
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the Yankees. "Watch and learn," answered one of the boys from the South.
All six boarded the train where the three Yankees sat down, but the three Southerners crammed into a toilet together and closed the door.
Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets. He knocked on the toilet door and said, "Ticket, please.? The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on.
The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, so clever they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.
That afternoon when they got back to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip and watched, while to their astonishment, the three Southerners didn't buy even one ticket. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked a perplexed Yankee. "Watch and learn," answered the three Southern boys in unison.
When they boarded the train, the three Northerners crammed themselves into a toilet and the three Southerners crammed into another toilet just down the way.
Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Southerners left their toilet and walked over to the toilet in which the Yankees were hiding. The Southerner knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."
. . . There's just no way on God's green earth to explain how the Yankees ever won the war.
After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his pisano.
Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep?"
Luigi said, "Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down."
"Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.
"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food. She broughta davino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip.
Everyting wasa Okey Dokey till we getta hungry and openupa da luncha basket. The conductore come a by, waga his finger at us anda say, 'no eat in disa car. Musta use a dining car.'
So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to a dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta ta open da bottle of a nice a vino! Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.'
So, we go to cluba car. While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga his finger again and say, 'No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car.' We go to a smokina car and I smoke my biga cigar.
Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boomada boomada and the conductore, he walka through da hall shouting at da top of his a voice, 'Nofolka Virginia! Nofolka Virginia!'
Nexta time, I'ma gonna take a da bus..."
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said, Shingles. So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "shingles". So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room. !
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "shingles". So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "shingles". The doctor asked, Where?
Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want them??"
An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through She leans over and says: "I just let a silent fart. What do you think I should do?
He replied, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid!"
Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
One leaned over and said, " Life is so darn boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"
"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $ 5.00 bill.
The first fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause.
The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
" What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement."
As President Bush gets off the helicopter in front of the White House, he is carrying a baby pig under each arm.
The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir." The President replies: "These are not pigs, these are authenticTexan Razorback Hogs.
I got one for Senator Ted Kennedy, and I got one for Senator John Kerry."
The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "Nice trade, sir."
The Funeral Director
A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
"There's no charge," he says.
"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.
"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing." "You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."
"So I just switched the heads. "
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work; wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting....
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador Retriever.
What's Your Name?
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that she was heading straight toward his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She said smiling, "Business, I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked. "What's your business role at the convention?
"Lecture," she responded, "I am the lead lecturer where I use information that I have learned from my own personal experiences to debunk some to the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he said, "and what kinds of myths are there?
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that black men are the most well-endowed of all men, when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent that are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with the absolutely best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must all possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said. "You may pass through the Pearly Gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells". Saint Peter said "you may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. Saint Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,"And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carols."
Bubba, Junior and the Blond
Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't got a ladder."
The woman took a wrench (just happened to have one!) from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down.
Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde? We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was probably just another false alarm and stayed put in his bed. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"
The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."
Bubba Wayne and Billy Bob, who are both from Denton,Texas, traveled to Grand Lake, Oklahoma for a vacation. While walking along a busy downtown street, they see a sign in a store window which reads, "Suits $5.00 each, Shirts $2.00 each and Trousers $2.50 a pair."
Bubba Wayne says,"Woo Hoo, Billy Bob! We could buy a whole gob of these clothes, take 'em back to Denton, sell 'em to all our friends and make us a fortune.
"Now when we go in there, don't you say a word, okay? Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your Texas accent, they might think we're ignorant, and they won't wanna sell them clothes to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow, fake Oklahoma drawl so's they won't know."
They go in and Bubba Wayne says with his best fake Oklahoma drawl, "I'll take 50 of them thar suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them thar shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of them thar trousers at $2.50 each. I'll just back up my pickup and......"
The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from Texas, ain'cha?"
"Well....yeah," says a surprised Bubba Wayne. "How come'd you know that?"
"Cause this here's a dry-cleaners."
Blonde Guy Joke
The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait!
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to Jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blond opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.
She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch
An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it. The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"
"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."
The Two Brooms
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely. After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!"
"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom, "We haven't even swept together!"
(Sounds to me like she's been "sweeping" around..)
New Drugs for Women
D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. Can we get naked now?.
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.
A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
N A G A M E N T
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.
Bubba's pregnant sister is in a serious car accident causing her to fall into a deep coma. She awakens after nearly six months and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins - a boy and a girl and your babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no! Not Bubba; he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise," the doctor answers. The new mother thinks, "Wow! That's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name Denise."
She then asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?" The doctor replies, "Denephew."
A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one holding onto their "wee wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."
No, ma'am, " he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh."
A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors... After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall...
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was and she told him her story... After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another
The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard... "What's the matter with you...? the older doctor demanded... "Mrs. Reid is 62 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren--and you told her she was pregnant...?"
The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said,"Does she still have the hiccups...?"
Tragedy at Sea
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her
butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."
A man was driving through west Texas one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died, leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total isolation. He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine and feel despondent. As he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries. Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice,
"It's your fuel pump." The man raised up quickly, striking his head on the underside of the hood.
"Who said that?" he called out. There were two horses, a white one and a black one, standing in the fenced field alongside the road.
The man was amazed when the white horse repeated, "It's your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight and try it again." Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.
When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Gimme a large whiskey, please!" he said.
A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong, man? You look like you've seen a ghost."
"It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.
The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"
The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes, it was! Am I crazy?"
"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher, "because that black horse don't know shit about cars."
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.
This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings." "Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. " I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "You old fart, you lied. There's no money in that account."
"I know", admitted the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
Billy Ray's in Love...
A small, Tennessee Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Billy Ray Oakley, a redneck part-time intern, who was responsible for cleaning the animals cages. Billy Ray wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed, but the strapping young man possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.
The park administrator thought they might have a solution. Billy Ray was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the lonely gorilla for $500.00?
Billy Ray showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Billy Ray announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four specific conditions:
"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips." The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.
"Second," Billy Ray insisted, "you must never tell anyone about this." The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.
"Third," Billy Ray aserted, "I want all the offspring to be raised Southern Baptist." Once again the administrator agreed.
And, last of all, Billy Ray stipulated, "You've got to give me another week to come up with that 500 dollars."
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in
the window saying:
Must be a good typist and be good with a computer.
Successful applicant must be bilingual.
We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.
A short time later a lovely golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it, whined and pawed the air.
The receptionist called the office manager. He was surprised,to say the least to see a canine applicant. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.
Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager expectantly.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you must be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to quickly type a perfect business letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager, gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but told the dog, "That was fantastic, but I'm sorry. The sign clearly says that whoever I hire has to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again, went to the computer and proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs, produced a sample spreadsheet and database, then presented them to the manager.
The manager was dumbfounded! He said to the dog, "Hey, I realize that you are a very intelligent applicant and have fantastic talent, but you're a dog -- no way could I hire you."
The dog jumped down and went to the sign in the window and pointed his paw at the words, "Equal Opportunity Employer."
The exasperated manager said, "Yes, I know what the damned sign says. But the sign also says you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked him straight in the eye and said, "Meow."
Saving the Ranch
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around The house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand.
He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off .
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. He put four worms into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of semen.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of good, clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead
Third worm in semen - dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
The minister asked the congregation - "What can we learn from this demonstration?"
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said; "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms"
A bus load of Senior citizens were traveling to a casino. Halfway into the trip, a little old lady walked up to the front of the bus and told the driver they had a pervert on the bus.
The driver told her he would check it out at the Casino. So she went back to her seat and sat down. Five minutes later a second little old lady walked to the front of the bus and told the driver they had a pervert on the bus ... Since this was the second complaint in five minutes, he thought he had better check it out. He pulled the bus to the side of the road and walked to the back of the bus.
There he found a little baldheaded old man crawling around on his hands and knees. The driver asked, "What the hell are you doing down there?"
The baldheaded man looked up and said, "I lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it. I thought I had it twice, but mine is parted on the side."
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60 year old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothing", said the 70 year old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80 year old, "eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60 year old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock, no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60 year old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and poop every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."
An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified.
He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked: "What is the fastest thing you know of?"
Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."
"That's very good!" replied the interviewer.
"And now you sir?" he asked the second man.
"Hmm....let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened.
A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye that's a very popular cliché for speed."
He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.
"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.
Turning to the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.
It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."
"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and
I ran for the bathroom.
But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants!"
HE GOT THE JOB.................
A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."
The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.
When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously very depressed.
"You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.
"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month" the young man replied sadly.
The pastor asked him what happened.
"Well, the first week was difficult.... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible.... anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there." admitted the man, shamefacedly.
"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
We know." said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore either."
The After Life
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact, "Linda . .. Linda . ..."
"Is that you, Tom?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."
"Oh, Tom you surely must be in heaven."
"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Florida."
Rolling the Dice
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked,"What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
Three aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes.
"Just to establish some parameters, " said the professor, to the student from Minnesota, "What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Pennsylvania. "Elation," she said.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "How about the opposite of woe?"
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy up."
You might be a Redneck Jedi if.....
You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
You have ever had an land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
Wookies are offended by your B.O.
You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman.
The downtown luxury apartment was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love so he asked the wife to move out and then he would buy her another place.
The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there, to pack up her things.
While he was gone, the first day she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit dining table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
The husband came back, with his new girl, and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it started; slowly but surely. Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad. They tried everything; cleaned & mopped and aired the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in, the carpets were replaced, and on it went.
Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move. The moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home......including the curtain rods.
One Day At The Doctor's Office...
An elderly couple showed up at the doctor's office together one day. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "We'd like you to watch us have sex, and make sure everything's all right."
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex, everything's fine." He charged them $50 and they went on their way.
The next week, they showed up again, with the same request, and the next week, and several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, and leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $109. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare!!!"
A woman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when she sees a Navajo woman hitch-hiking. Because the trip had been long and quiet, she stops the car and the Navajo woman climbs in.
During their small talk, the Navajo woman glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them.
"If you're wondering what's in the bag," offers the woman, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman is silent for a while, nods several times and says, "Good trade."
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge
The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb?"
"No. I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all the 'dumb blonde' joke emails we've been receiving."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.
Before the inauguration, George Bush was invited to a get acquainted tour of the White House.After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.
Entering, he was amazed to see that the President had a gold urinal.
That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "When I am President,I'll get to have a gold urinal!"
Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the fact that in the President's private bathroom, the President had a golden urinal..
That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said, "Well, I found out who pissed in your saxophone."