Dear Dr. Bukk:
I am writing to you on behalf of my cousin, Boyer Klitsweat, who has been institutionalized for the past few months. Mr Klitsweat wrote to me (at least until the crayon broke) regarding his desire to be immortalized in your extended family album. As I am bound by the terms in my uncle's will to visit at least once a year, I considered this to be only a minor inconvenience. The above shots were obtained through slight subterfuge and truth twisting, although with nowhere near the care and finess of our current chief of staff (and oh, what a staff it is, Ms. Steinem!)
One shot is of Mr. Klitsweat reacting to my statement that his collection of celebrity nose hairs may wind up in the Guinness Book of World Records. Another is my cousin's shattered visage upon learning that his beloved pet flatworm, Christine, left in my care, passed away recently. Approximately ten seconds later he became verbally abusive, ranting like a twenty year navy man with Tourette's, shouting something about government conspiriacies and Toodie from "Facts of Life". I decided to step aside and let the interns "trank" him long enough for me to wish him the best of luck with his newest hobby, walking on his eyebrows.
The tragedy is, I'll never get the clothes back I loaned him for the photo shoot. The interns informed me that explosive diarrhea is impossible to get out of a shirt, and to quote the lady at K-Mart, "Refund my Ass!".
With soft, mushy regards,