(_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?

(_) 1 mile

(_) 2 miles

(_) just a whoop-and-a-holler

(_) What road?

Things to do at Wal-Mart while the spouse is "taking his/her sweet time" shopping.

1. Get the boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples' carts when they are not looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10 minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "I think we have a Code 3 in house wares," and see what happens.

5. Turn all the radios to a polka station, then turn them all off and turn the volumes to 10.

6. Challenge other customers to duel with tubes of gift wrap.

7. Put M&M's on layaway.

8. Move "CAUTION-WET FLOOR" signs to carpet areas.

9. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

10. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask "Why won't you people leave me alone?"

11. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

12. Take up an entire aisle in toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes and X-Men.

13. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

14. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

15. Switch signs on the men's and women's bathrooms.

16. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible".

17. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign out front.

18. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.

19. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say, "PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!!"

20. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream, "NO! NO! It's those voices again."

21. Go to the food court, get a soft drink, tell them you don't get out much and would they put one of those little umbrellas in it.

22. Go into the fitting room and yell real loud ...."Hey we're out of toilet paper in here!"

Good Ole Ed

A small Kentucky Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very "in the mood", and difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part time redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages.

Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?

Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this." The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition. "Well," said Ed, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500."

"The Texas Salesman"

A keen Texas lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. The store was the biggest in the world and sold everything under the sun."Have you ever been a salesman before?" the boss asked during his interview.

"Yes, I was a salesman in Texas," the lad answered.

The boss took an immediate liking to him and told him he could start the next day. "I'll come and see how you made out after we close up," the boss said.

The day was long and hard for the young man, but finally it was 5 o'clock. The boss closed up the store and found the lad sitting, slumped and exhausted, in a chair.

"How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked.

"One," said the lad.

"One?" said the boss, obviously displeased. "Most of the sales people on my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"

"Exactly $101,334.53," said the young man.

"How did you manage that?" asked the boss, flabbergasted.

"Well," said the lad, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and huge one. I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said he was going down the coast. I said he'd probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that fancy 22-foot Chris Craft with twin engines. Then he said his Honda Civic probably wouldn't be able to handle the load, so I took him to the vehicle department and sold him a new GMC 1-ton pickup truck."

"You sold all that to guy who came in for a fish hook?" the boss asked in astonishment.

"He didn't come in to buy a fish hook," the Texas boy explained. "He came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing.' "

3 Old Men

Three old men were sitting around complaining about how much their hands shook.

The first geezer said, "My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I cut my face!"

The second old fogey one-upped him. "My hands shake so bad that when I trimmed my garden yesterday I sliced all my flowers!"

The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times."

Elderly Love

An elderly couple was driving cross-country from Florida to attend their granddaughter's wedding. Both were hard of hearing, but she was growing deaf as a post.

They pulled into a service station, and the attendant asked the man if he could help them. The old man replied, "Fill her up!". His wife said, "WHAT'D HE SAY?"

The old man said, "HE WANTED TO KNOW IF HE COULD HELP US. I TOLD HIM TO FILL IT UP!"

"Oooh...", she replied.

When the attendant had filled up the tank, he returned to the driver's side and said, "Will that be

cash or charge?"

The old man passed him his charge card, and the old lady said, "WHAT'D HE SAY?"

The old man replied, "HE WANTED TO KNOW IF IT WAS CASH OR CHARGE, AND I

TOLD HIM TO CHARGE IT!"

"Ohhh..", she said.

The attendant returned with the card, and while the man was signing, he said, "I noticed from your license plates and your charge card that y'all are from Florida. I was in Florida once, and I can tell you that all I can remember about that trip was that I got the worse piece of ass down there that I've ever had."

The old man nodded, and took his card back. The old woman said, "WHAT'D HE SAY?"

The old man said, "SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!"

Potency Restored

After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him: "This is all in your mind." and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits, the shrink confesses: "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.

The witch doctor says: "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says: "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '1-2-3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks the witch doctor: "What happens when it's over?"

The witch doctor says: "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!"

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says: "1-2-3" and suddenly he gets an erection.

His wife turns over and says: "What did you say '1-2-3' for?"

Blondes Beer

A blonde goes into a bar. The bartender asks her what she would like, and she replies, "Bring me a beer."

The bartender then asks, "Anheuser-Busch?" To which she replies, "Fine thanks, and how's your cock?"

Recess Game

Three third graders, a Jewish kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid are on the playground at recess. The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game "Lets see who has the largest penis," he says. "Okay." They all agree. The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Now not to be outdone, the Hillbilly kid whips his out. It is by far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and girth. The Jewish and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. "Wow that thing is huge!" they exclaim. That night, eating dinner at home, the Hillbilly kid's mother asks him what he did at school today.

"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book ... and during recess, my friends and I played 'Let's see who has the largest penis."

"What kind of game is that, honey?" says the mother.

"Well, me, Sidney and Anthony each pulled out our cranks, and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm a Hillbilly. Is that true, Mom?"

The Mom replies: "No, Honey, it's because you're twenty-three"

Perfume

Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice, don't you think, Tracy"

"Yeah. What's it called Sharon?"

"Viens a moi."

"Viens a moi? What the does that mean?"

At this stage the store clerk offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me.'"

Sharon takes anther sniff and offers her arm to Tracy again saying,

"That doesn't smell like come to me. Does that smell like come to you?"

Red Tape, courtesy of Delbert Contento

A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.

He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry lady demanded, "What took you so long?"

The unperturbed doctor replied, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.

Things to do @ Target while the spouse is taking his or her sweet time...

1. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they don't realize it.

2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor, leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.

5. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."

6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

7. Put M&M's on layaway.

8. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

9. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Domestics.

10. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

11. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror whileyou pick your nose.

12. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G. I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

13. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

14. While handling guns in the hunting department,suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

15. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restroom.

16. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."

17. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store

18. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.

19. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "Pick me! Pick me!!"

20. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"

21. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

22. Go into the dressing room and yell real loud..."Hey, we're out of toilet paper in here!"

Bill & Hillary's New Home

On Friday, September 10th, Carroll asked her audience to come up with an official name for the Clinton $1.7 million house in Chappaqua, New York. Carroll's call-in contest required the names to be in relative good taste, original, and should capture the essence of one or both of the Clintons.
The response was overwhelming! Some names nominated for the Clinton's new home included:

Perjurers' Palace

Hillbilly Villa

The House of Bill's Repute

Drawers Downs

Cheatem Estates

Castle of Contemp

Sin Simeon

The House That Terrybought

The Knee Pad

The White Trash House

The Blight House

The Panderosa

Liars' Lair

Bill & Hill's Bribe & Breakfast

The Clinton Compost

Dogpatch on the Hudson

Rancho Immoral

Deceitful Domicile

Monica's Man's Manor

The Hen House

The Out House

The Big House

The Love Shack

Lucifer's Lair

House of the Rising Son

The House of Seven Felonies

Cottage of Contempt

Motel Sex

But the clear, hands-down winner was: DISGRACELAND!

Captain Bravo

Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man's man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a lookout spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt." The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and while wearing the bright frock he led his mates into battle and defeated the pirates.

Later on, the lookout spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again howled for his red shirt and once again vanquished the pirates.

That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs and one of the them asked the captain: "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"

The captain replied: "If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood, and thus, you men will continue to resist, unafraid." All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a man's manly man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout once again spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual reply. Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his mighty sailing ship and, without fear, turned, and calmly shouted: "Get me my brown pants."

Southwestern Café

Two good ol' boys are driving across South Texas goin' to pick up a load of cattle. The driver, who's made the run many times before, turns to his passenger, a new swamper on his first run, and says, "Say, Jimbob. You hongry? They's a little greasy spoon up the road about five mile makes jist th' best Jalapeno cheeseburger you ever et."

"Naw, Clem. I'm 'bout burgered out. Whut else they got?"

"Well they got a foot long chilidog that'd water a glass eye, I ain't shittin' ya!" "Oh hell, that'll do fine!" So they pull into the parking lot of the little cafe and go in. At the counter is a wormy little guy, smilin' at 'em. Behind the counter is the little guy's wife, 'bout 375lbs, wearin a strap t-shirt, sans bra and sweatin bullets since the place ain't airconditioned and is hotter'n hell. They take a seat at the counter and the driver says, "Well howdy, Mel! Gimme a Jalapeno burger an' git my partner here one a'them foot longs."

"Check," Mel says. "Got it, Honey?"

"Check," the big ol' gal says. She reaches down into the cooler and comes up with a ball of hamburger meat the size of a softball, slaps it up under her arm and mashes it flat and slaps it down on the grill where it goes to sizzlin'. The swamper sets up and takes notice at that. Then she reaches back into that cooler and comes out with a hot dog about three inches long and three inches around and the swamper gives a jump and says, "Whoa there! I think I'll have a burger!"

Children's Books That Didn't Make It...

1. You Are Different and That's Bad

2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables

3. Dad's New Wife Robert

4. Fun Four-letter Words to Know and Share

5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book

6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking

7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her

8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

9. All Cats Go to Hell

10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched

11. Some Kittens Can Fly.

12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption

13. Grandpa Gets a Casket

14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator

15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia

16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy

17. Strangers Have the Best Candy

18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way

19. You Were an Accident

20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will

21. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games

22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan

23. Your Nightmares Are Real

24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?

25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School

26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?

27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things

28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

Is that Jesus down there?

The bartender was washing his glasses, and an elderly Irishman came in and with great difficulty, hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded and the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey also.

The next patron was an ailing Italian with a hunched back and slowness of movement. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting down there. The bartender nodded and the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, also.

The third patron, a redneck, swaggered in dragging his knuckles on the floor and hollered. "Barkeep, set me up a cold one. Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, and the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, and he got up and danced a jig to the door.

Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten and he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.

Jesus walked toward the redneck, and the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me, I'm drawin' disability!"

Divorce, courtesy of Boner Daily

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.

The attorney asked "May I help you?"

The farmer said, "Yeah, I want to get one of them day-vorce's."

The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?"

The farmer said "Yeah, I got about 140 acres."

The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"

The farmer said, "Yeah, I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."

The attorney said, "No Sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

The farmer said, "Yes, Sir, I got a suit, I wear it to Church on Sundays."

The attorney said, "Well Sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

The farmer said, "No Sir, we both get up about 4:30."

The attorney then said, "Well is she a nagger or anything?"

The farmer said, "no , she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger, and that's why I want this Dayvorce!"

Pope Joke, courtesy of Ophelia Bawls

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person." Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. This is fantastic, thought the gentleman I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance.

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'u-n-t'?"

Only one word leapt to mind...my goodness, thought the gentleman, I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another. The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'."

"Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"

Hillbillies, courtesy of Nasty Herbie

There were some backwoods ignorant hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence.

This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river.

John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and "whip Clarence's butt." He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, "didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence's butt?"

He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign:

"CLARENCE 8 FT 3 IN"

Redneck Obituary

A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word.

She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then,let it read, 'Billy Bob died'."

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries".

Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds = says, "In that case, let it read, 'Billy Bob died - 1983 Pick-up for sale'.

Trees, courtesy of M.C. Jamma

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech are growing in the woods.

A small tree begins to grow between them. One tree says to the other: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The other says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling. The tall tree says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.  That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

The Pirate's Perils, courtesy of Oxford Don

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg leg?"

The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit me leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?

"Well,", replied the pirate, "we were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut me hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye-patch"?

"A seagull shit in me eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.

"Well,", said the pirate, "it was me first day with the hook."

The Novice Hooker, courtesy of Kathy Brown

The new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street , the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details. She said "well , he was a big muscular and handsome sailor".

"Well , what did he want to do?" They all asked.

She said " I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn't have that much". So I told him that oral sex would be $75, but he didn't have that much either. Finally I said, "well how much do you have"?

The sailor said that he only had $25. The new hooker said "well, for $25 all I can do is service you by hand". He agreed and after getting the finances straight, she said "he pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then a second hand above the first and then the first hand above the second hand"

"Oh my god" they all exclaimed, it must have been huge, then what did you do?" "I loaned him $75!"she exclaimed.

Here is a list of summer camps that you may NOT want to send your kids to....

Tommy Lee's Camp Kickachick

Monica Lewinsky's Camp Suckaweewee

President Clinton's Camp Getahoochie

Ellen DeGeneres's Camp Lickahoochie

Kenneth Star's Camp Catchacrook

O.J. Simpson's Camp Killachick

Lorena Bobbit's Camp Cutaweewee

Tonya Harding's Camp Clubaknee

Susan Smith's Camp Blameabrotha

Pamela Lee's Camp Lottatatas

Michael Jackson's Camp Wannabewhitey

Louis Farakahn's Camp Killawhitey

Dog Poop

A door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door,and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps dog poop all over the carpet.

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning up that dog poop, I'll eat every bit of it.".

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?".

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?".

She says "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet.".

For all you Clinton apologists courtesy of Velveeta Bedbug

Little Old Lady courtesy of Boner Daley

A little old lady with blue hair entered the lingerie shop and asked in a quavering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-l s-s-sexual aids h-here?"

The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered, "Uh, yes ma'am. We do."

The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart

asked, "D-do y-you ha-ave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this l-l-ong?"

"Well, yes ma'am, we do. We have several that size."

Forming a circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny of t-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?"

"Well.... yes ma'am, a few of them are about that big."

"D-do aa-ny of t-them ha-ave a v-v-vibra-a-ator?"

"Yes ma'am, one of them does."

"W-w-ell, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?

Doctor Visit courtesy of Buford Hardrock Bukk

"Mr. Rossmoore, I'm afraid I have bad news," the doctor told the anxious patient. "You only have six months to live."

Mr. Rossmoore sat in stunned silence for the next several minutes.

Regaining his composure, he apologetically told the physician that he had no medical insurance. "I can't possibly pay you in that time."

"Okay," the doctor said, "let's make it nine months."

Ebonics Translation Contest courtesy of Nasty Herbie

This paper was turned in by an Oakland High school student who received the highest honors at the school district's ebonics translation competition.

Assignment: Please translate the following Rap song lyrics from Ebonics to standard English.

Artist: Notorious B.I.G.

Album: Ready to Die

Song: One more chance (remix)

Lyrics:

First things first, I poppa, freaks all the honeys

Dummies - playboy bunnies, those wantin' money

Those the ones I like 'cause they don't get nathan'

But penetration, unless it smells like sanitation

Garbage, I turn like doorknobs

Heart throb, never, black and ugly as ever

However, I stay coochied down to the socks

Rings and watch filled with rocks

TRANSLATION:

As a general rule, I perform deviant sexual acts with women of all kinds, including but not limited to those with limited intellect, nude magazine models, and prostitutes. I particularly enjoy sexual encounters with the latter group as they are generally disappointed in the fact that they only receive penile intercourse and nothing more, unless of course, they douche on a consistent basis. Although I am extremely unattractive, I am able to engage in these types of sexual acts with some regularity. Perhaps my sexuality is somehow related to my fancy and expensive jewelry.

Lyrics:

And my jam knock in the Mitsubishi

Girls pee pee when they see me, Nava-hoes creep me in they tee pee

As I lay down laws like I lay carpet

Stop it - if you think your gonna make a profit

TRANS:

I enjoy playing my music loudly on my car stereo. Apparently, women enjoy this also because they become sexually aroused when they see me driving. Oddly enough, when I visit the Native American reservations, some of the more sexually promiscuous Indian women attempt to seduce me in their homes. Their intent is to divest me of my earnings. Such actions are unacceptable.

Lyrics:

Don't see my ones, don't see my guns - get it

Now tell ya friends Poppa hit it then split it

In two as I flow with the Junior Mafia

I don't know what the hell's stoppin' ya

I'm clockin' ya - Versace shades watchin' ya

Once ya grin, I'm in game, begin

TRANS:

Understand this fact: you can have neither my money, nor my weapons. I suggest that you inform your peers that we engaged in violent sexual acts. Currently, I am rapping with my associates, the Junior Mafia. I'm having some difficulty understanding why you refuse to approach me. I am attempting to make eye contact with you through my expensive glasses, and as soon as you respond with a smile, I will approach you.

Lyrics:

First I talk about how I dress and this

And diamond necklaces - stretch Lexuses

The sex is just immaculate from the back I get

Deeper and deeper - help ya reach the

Climax that your man can't make

Call and tell him you'll be home real late

Let's sing the break

TRANS:

I prefer to open the conversation with light banter about my wardrobe and jewelry, then I like to discuss my collection of expensive cars. This is more than enough to convince you to have sexual intercourse with me. I am able to insert my penis further into you when I enter you from behind. Furthermore, you will be able to reach orgasm. I understand this to be a problem with your current sexual partner. He needn't be concerned about your whereabouts. Please phone him and inform him that you won't be home for a while. By the way, please sing the chorus of the song for me also.

Lyrics:

She's sick of that song on how it's so long

Thought he worked his until I handled my biz

There I is - major pain like Damon Wayans

Low down dirty even like his brother Keenan

Schemin' - don't bring your girl 'round me

True player for real, ask Puff Daddy

TRANS:

Your current love interest no longer wishes to hear your fabrications about the length of your member. After I had sexual intercourse with your woman, she became enlightened as to the proper way it is supposed to be performed; violently and immorally. It would be in your best interest to keep your woman away from me as my sexual prowess is very strong. If you are unconvinced, ask Puff Daddy.

Lyrics:

You - ringin' bells with bags from Chanel

Baby Benz, traded in your Hyundai Excel

Fully equipped, CD changer with the cell

She beeped me, meet me at twelve

TRANS:

Despite the fact that you attempted to win her at her doorstep with bags full of expensive clothes and a car (the lower end model Mercedes Benz which you financed by signing over your current vehicle) containing an expensive stereo and a cellular phone, your woman has contacted me through my pager indicating that we should rendezvous at midnight.

Lyrics:

Where you at? Flippin' jobs, playin' car notes?

While I'm swimmin' in ya women like the breast stroke

Right stroke, left stroke what's the best stroke

Death stroke - tongue all down her throat

Nuthin' left to do but send her home to you

I'm through - can ya sing the song for me, boo?

TRANS:

You, on the other hand, jump from job to job, barely able to maintain payments on the Mercedes Benz you purchased for your woman. Meanwhile, I continue to engage in sexual intercourse and commit lewd osculatory acts with your women. My only remaining option is to request that she leave my home and return to you because I have reached orgasm and no longer have a need for her presence.

Lyrics:

So, what's it gonna be? Him or me?

We can cruise the world with pearls

Gator boots for girls

The envy of all women, crushed linen

Cartier wrist-wear with diamonds in 'em

The finest women I love with a passion

Ya man's a wimp, I give that ass a good thrashin'

TRANS:

The ultimate decision rests with you. Whom do you choose as your sexual partner? I can take you on cruises around the world. I will dress you in the finest jewelry and footwear. You will be envied by women worldwide in your fine clothes and jewelry. There is a special place in my heart for beautiful women. I will defeat your man in an altercation because he is effeminate.

Lyrics:

High fashion - flyin' into all states.

Sexin' me while your man masturbates.

Isn't this great? Your flight leaves at eight.

Her flight lands at nine, my game just rewinds.

Lyrically I'm supposed to represent.

I'm not only the client, I'm the player president

TRANS:

You will be dressed in finest clothes on the runways of Paris. I will fly you to every state to shop for fine clothes and jewelry. You will enjoy sexual intercourse with me and your man will be forced to pleasure himself through manual stimulation. What a life! I'll return you to LaGuardia in time to catch your 8 o'clock flight. The timing is perfect because I have scheduled a date with a second woman who arrives at the same gate at 9 o'clock. I'll seduce her in the same way that I seduced you. I rap well and I am a positive reflection of my home town. Not only am I a sexually deviant, misogynistic, immoral, wealthy, male prostitute, but I also sit on the board of directors of the organization that governs others of my kind.

Semi-Private Room courtesy of Boner Daley

Did you hear about the two little kids in a hospital who were laying next to each other?

The first kid leans over and asked, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid said," I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid said," You've got nothing to worry about I had that done to me once. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of jello and ice cream. It's a piece of cake!!!"

The second kid then asked, "What are you in here for?"

The first kid responded, "Well, I'm here for a circumsision."

The second kid said, "Whoa!! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!!!"

____________________________________________________

Fairy Tales courtesy of Freeda Felons

What's the difference between a Northern Fairy Tale and a Southern Fairy Tale?

A norther Fairy Tale begins with "Once upon a time . . ."

A Southern Fairy Tale begins with "Ya'll ain't gonna believe this shit ".

C.W.I. courtesy of Coach Jim Nasium

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender

finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up

to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more

time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some

fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he

decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at

the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls

through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he

tries one more time to stand up.

This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly

falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head

hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife

standing over him shouting at him.

"So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look.

"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

Flowers of appreciation, courtesy of Boner Daley

Liz Taylor goes in to see her cosmetic surgeon. "I have met

the man of my dreams, finally, the love of my life !" she

announces to the surgeon "but I need you to help me with a

small problem. This man is only 18 years old, I am truly

head over heels in love with him, and don't want to

disappoint him in any way, so I want you to make my vagina

look like an 18 year olds."

The surgeon tells Liz of the delicate situations involved

with this operation, but does finally agree to performing

the said operation.

"But one thing" Liz says "you have to swear to me that no

one knows about this operation, that no magazines or

tabloids hear about it!"

"I swear, Liz" the surgeon replies.

The big day arrives, Liz goes under the knife, the

operation goes text book perfect and she is moved to a

recovery room. Upon regaining consciousness, Liz's eyes

focus on three huge floral arrangements at the foot of her

bed.

As the surgeon enters the room to check on her, Liz breaks

into tears. "How could you do this to me !!! You swore

that not a soul would hear of this operation!!!"

"Now, now Liz, I didn't tell a soul. The first arrangement

is from me. I've been your friend, as much as your surgeon

for the past 10 years, I just wanted to make you feel good.

The second arrangement is from the anesthesiologist, he's

gay, he's one of your biggest fans, and I thought it was

okay, since he's worked side by side with me on your

operation."

Liz's eyes gazed over to the third arrangement, pointing

her finger "And who sent those?"

"Oh yeah" the surgeon replied "Those are from a guy in the

burns unit, he wanted to thank you for his new ears".

Doctor, courtesy of M.C. Jamma

Rob had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear that small inner voice trying to reassure him, "Rob. Don't worry about it.

You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality,

"Rob, You're a veterinarian."

Top 50 Oxymorons, courtesy of Buford Hardrock Bukk

50. Act naturally

49. Found missing

48. Resident alien

47. Advanced BASIC

46. Genuine imitation

45. Airline Food

44. Good grief

43. Same difference

42. Almost exactly

41. Government organization

40. Sanitary landfill

39. Alone together

38. Legally drunk

37. Silent scream

36. British fashion

35. Living dead

34. Small crowd

33. Business ethics

32. Soft rock

31. Butt Head

30. Military Intelligence

29. Software documentation

28. New York culture

27. New classic

26. Sweet sorrow

25. Childproof

24. "Now, then ..."

23. Synthetic natural gas

22. Christian Scientists

21. Passive aggression

20. Taped live

19. Clearly misunderstood

18. Peace force

17. Extinct Life

16. Temporary tax increase

15. Computer jock

14. Plastic glasses

13. Terribly pleased

12. Computer security

11. Political science

10. Tight slacks

9. Definite maybe

8. Pretty ugly

7. Twelve-ounce pound cake

6. Diet ice cream

5. Rap music

4. Working vacation

3. Exact estimate

2. Religious tolerance

1. Microsoft Works

Yahoo!

An attractive woman from California was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down.

An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.

"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback"

The Top 13 Indications Your Family May be Dysfunctional courtesy of The Top 5 List at www.topfive.com

13. No more sunny breakfast nook, now the kitchen is a methamphetamine lab.

12. Your vacations are planned through AA instead of AAA.

11. Your mother and your pre-teen sister always fighting over the last beer.

10. In the middle of family reunion, FBI cuts power to ranch.

9. Bikers next door always complaining about the noise.

8. Local police save money by making your house a precinct substation.

7. Your new little sister is named after a famous serial killer.

6. Your son informs you he doesn't care to be your cellmate anymore.

5. You have to buy separate Mother's Day cards for each of Mom's personalities.

4. Family discussions usually begin with, "Put the gun down."

3. Instead of saying grace before dinner, father reads a passage from Penthouse Forum.

2. Thanksgiving Dinner consists of Wild Turkey instead of roast turkey.

and the Number 1 Indication Your Family May be Dysfunctional...

1. New bill to ban assault weapons specifically mentions your family.

From an old country song.....

Many, many years ago when I was twenty three,

I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter

Who had hair of red.

My father fell in love with her,

And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law

And changed my very life.

My daughter was my mother,

For she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse,

Although it brought me joy.

I soon became the father

Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became

A brother-in-law to dad.

And so became my uncle,

Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle,

Then that also made him brother

To the widow's grown-up daughter

Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son,

Who kept them on the run.

And he became my grandson,

For he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mother

And it makes me blue.

Because, although she is my wife,

She's my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother,

Then I am her grandchild.

And every time I think of it,

It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become

The strangest case you ever saw.

As the husband of my grandmother,

I am my own grandpa.